Virtual Noob Guide Chapter 9:

Ok, noob, if you've read this far you've probably familiarized yourself with some forums and blogs by now.  Pat yourself on the back, Einstein.  (I'll wait.  Done already?)  Ok, lets continue.  Eventually you're going to come across someones writings (or post) that you simply have to respond to.  There's some deeply ingrained obsessiveness compelling you to reply for whatever reason.  Bear with me, there's a lot of ground to cover.  First, there's several types of forum posters (some of which listed below):

• Teacher's Pet- A question or provocative post leaves a must-answer feeling.  Signs include rapid eye movement, arm raised (though no one is likely to call your name to answer), and posture change involving sticking your chest out with both feet firmly planted on the floor.  Using larger words than your vocabulary allow and heavy use of bbcode are common side effects.  Verbal exclamations of, "I know that one! I know that one! Oh, dear god, I know the answer!" are neither constructive nor heard by the rest of the forum thankfully.
• Forum Hippy- A topic occasionally hits upon an abstract thought you had in college that one night.  You remember (if you don't it's probably on Youtube).  For some reason you're compelled to post about the nature of man in a thread about legal policy or tech talk.  Signs include but are not limited to mention of the color spectrum, your childhood, poetry, or teletubbies.
• Shenaniganer- People in a thread or blog are taking a topic so seriously, you have to interject some, "why so serious?" discussion.  It's not like they're talking about shoes or huds or anything right? Pfft.  I mean it's all techy stuff, it doesn't really affect anyone anyway.  Signs include a large glass of wine next to your couch, a small lap dog, and a fake accent.
• Rarghh!!11Elebenty- Sometimes a topic will leave you red faced and panting (Or you may have gas).  Either way you feel the need to release pressure.  Rarghh posting includes catchy phrases such as, "How dare you?", "WTF, you dumb bastard.", "Wow.", or (my personal favorite) "Get off meh lawn!".  Signs include a shaky finger while pressing 'submit', an expensive ambulance/ER bill for the coronary you just had, and possible hair and skin loss (check your fingernails for recovery).
• E-Lolyer- You've posted and argued your point for the last 20 pages.  You've provided facts, links, and multiple references for why you're right.  Some people will never 'get it'.  But don't give up!  You should be fully prepared to go the distance and even bring it into other threads.  You can wear them out with the shear magnitude of your wisdom and statistics.  Forget the lolcats damn it!  They're just upset cause you're winning the good fight.  Signs include a textbook on psychology next to your nightstand, constantly hitting refresh (F5) so see the next response, a homemade optimized search engine (or google *shrugs*), and a portable device to take with you to work.
• Catcher in the Rye- You got a bone to pick with someone about something somewhere.  You're not quite sure what it is, but it pissed you off nonetheless.  Whether a thread is about puppies or a grid update, you have to point out the OP is an idiot.  Who wouldn't?  What were they thinking wishing you a happy rez-day?  The nerve!  Signs of the Catcher include but are not limited to shaking fists, use of the term 'pffft', an eye twitch, or general grumpiness. 
• Cavalier- You are the defender of the weak or lazy across the internets!  Someone insulted that gentleman you met at a club someplace or the fair maiden that left you that tip that one time.  You absolutely have to stand up and set things right.  They couldn't possibly be as bad as they're made out to be, you met them in 2007 and they're on your friend list!  Oh the agony! They may have even cried a little when linked to the thread.  Their delicate senses can't be left to the likes of forumites, you must shield them!  Signs include shiny platemail, a white horse, and a +2 Vorpal Word of the Avenger Sword.

There's literally hundreds of different reasons to post in a thread and I did not cover them all here.  When you have absolutely no reason to post, but want to make an appearance anyway?  Advertise!!  People love it when you sprinkle their thread with hints about buying your things (see chapter 5).  You may also want to add links to your blog in other people's threads or blogs.

Now we come to the nitty gritty, or what I like to call: The Use of Farce Continuum.  These are a general set of rules for forum/blog responses any noob should learn and know.  Level of offense is progressive and moving up on the level of Farce is allowed if you feel threatened.

1. They quoted you.  If a poster quotes your text, you absolutely have to respond somehow.  They're calling you out!  Represent!  Quote their quote that quoted you and add one line.  Eventually readers will be so confused with all the quoting, you win by default.
2. You posted something heartfelt and no one responded.  You need to follow up with a wall of text. Perhaps use bigger words.  If they keep ignoring you, keep posting larger walls of text.  Eventually they'll have to respond.
3. They used a negative button like 'dislike' or 'disagreed' or 'groaned'.  WTF, man.  You need to find either a post in that thread by them, or a post somewhere where they argued about something and hit some buttons.  They want a button war, they got it!
4. They responded to you with a lolcat.  It's the ultimate in degradation techniques.  Call them childish or insinuate you thought you were talking to adults.  That will shut them up.
5. They criticized your work.  You need to make a public display of legal jargon.  Perhaps use words like 'lawsuit' and 'libel'.  It's not your fault they couldn't read the fine print.
6. They're republicans.  It's the Internet, just wait for the monkey pile and jump in when appropriate.
7. They're democrats.  Blame Bush.  Once they all hit the 'agree' button, edit your post to read "I <3 Texas" (or Arizona).  Oh the lulz!
8. They've posted they know 'facts' about something that proves you wrong but won't elaborate because of integrity.  Your first instinct may be to let this one go cause lol.  You're dead wrong.  You need to make up your own facts.  I'd suggest quoting Tucan Sam or Wile E Coyote.  They're lovable and people trust them.
9. You're facing assault on various fronts (or the hive-mind mentality).  This is often the result of saying something so irrefutable and sound in logic that opponents of your argument feel the need to call all their friends on the telephone and post pages and pages responses to your one post (definitely not cause you've said something idiotic).  Or they're all one poster's alts.  Hang in there, you're winning.  If that doesn't work and they ban you, blog about it.  In your next forum, you can post about it in the 'hello' thread for sympathy points.
10. They've muted you.  Damn them, those despicable bastards.  How are you supposed to impart your words of wisdom on those who can't read your words?  I'll tell you how.  Make an alt-poster and quote yourself into the winner's circle *nods*.  

Now that you have a grasp on the fundamentals, you can begin posting with enthusiasm.  I'd recommend starting in the forum games category or light discussion about relationships.  Once you got a good feel for the board, you can educate the masses on your point of view...about everything.  In our next chapter, we'll talk about flouncing perhaps...or trolling...or maybe both.  Stay tuned!!

Johnny Night and his opinions are in no way affiliated with Inworldz LLC. Please do not take him seriously.